Pee Like A Man

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Michelle Rabil, a Salon writer, whom I am now appreciating even more, wrote about her experience with paper cones that allow her to pee like a guy, or more loosely like Michael Phelps:

My love affair with the pee cones began on a trip to Spain. The test run was in the airplane bathroom – a place I liken to a dentist’s chair. I don’t need to elaborate on the hell that is an airplane john: There are rarely any seat protectors available, and the idea of sitting on that toilet, even with a foot-thick swath of toilet paper between you and the gruesomely spattered seat, carries a high skeeve factor. Does anyone even clean these things? I suspect that, like pillows, the airplane toilet seat is allowed to accumulate all manner of DNA unchecked.

Some women opt for hovering. A friend of mine with thighs of steel has mastered this technique but, alas, I don’t trust my weak legs to keep from quivering until I’ve finished my business, and the cramped bathroom offered nothing to steady my pose. Call me old-fashioned, I like to avoid wetting myself like a 2-year-old. Besides, even the best squatters must acknowledge that avoiding spillage is largely out of their control on a plane that could experience sudden turbulence mid-stream. I defy even a triathlete to maintain a dry hover in that situation.

With the cones, all these concerns became blissfully irrelevant. Turbulence? Bring it on. Squatting? Amateur hour. With my trusty pseudo (and flushable, no less!) penis, I became master of that airplane bathroom domain. I stood bravely, feet solidly on the ground, facing the toilet bowl, and unzipped. To my surprise, I found didn’t have to drop trou very low to use the cones. I had only to get my pants just below where the stream originates, and I was good to go. Still standing, I then positioned the cone tight against my, ahem, lady place, and let loose. What ensued was mind-blowing.

A tidy stream flowed up and away (far away) from me out the end of the cone while I just stood there holding it like a dude holds his joint. I marveled at how I and everything else in the bathroom stayed dry, and then simply tossed the cone in the trash (not trusting the toilet’s ability to handle it). I smiled, wondering if someone would see the cone and be befuddled at its purpose. This was a personal best for me in terms of speed. I was the Michael Phelps of public restroom pissing.

I, too, would like to pee in a restroom without squatting.  I travel quite frequently, and airplane toilets are the worst. (They are even worse than the men’s restrooms I have stolen on occasion while waiting for the women’s restroom to open.  Have someone guard the door… But seriously, people, more stalls for women would help this.  And it doesn’t include my accidental use of the men’s restroom in Spain due to language imbalances.  NOT talking about that one, but suffice to say my friends and I were chased by a security guard, and that freaky guy’s idea of directions was NOT a good joke.)  But, if I could be freed up to pee outside too, well, possibilities emerge.

Like a good momma, I taught my daughter to pee outside, which was prompted by watching some little girl helplessly pee down her legs and her frantic daddy’s legs as he tried to help her (no restrooms available in time).  I got the Kleenex for the little girl and instructed her so that her father’s leg was no longer the main pee post, but my partner made me promise to do my momma duty and teach our daughter pee independence at the first possible opportunity.  He didn’t have the right equipment.  But, easing the burden for little girls might be an opportunity too.  Hey, I am out to try it.  Paper cones sound like liberation to me, especially in airplane bathrooms.