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The strange and terrifying aspect of female desire: Come here cougar, hyena, pussy and all you other cats! We want orgasms!

April 17, 2009
Oil on canvas
Image via Wikipedia

Okay, here is the deal: I will tell you secrets about women’s sex lives, and you will agree with me.  Got it?    Lots of people have been up in arms lately about women’s sexuality emerging as an aggressive force:  Rebecca Traister lamented the cougar movement on Salon, another writer mentioned how young women who are sexually assertive are hyenas.  The female sexuality has long been referred to in the feline equation, but apparently the pussy has turned into a more aggressive cat–the cougar if you are an dadult and a hyena if you are a youth. Why do they pick aggressive terminology for a perfectly natural equation of human sexuality?  I don’t know, but it sure seems like men deserve something more than the common term for sexual excess:  pigs.  I guess I would rather be a cougar than a pig, but still women’s sexuality seems like a terrifying force for a lot of people out there, particularly the men.

I have been thinking more and more about the women in the Afghan region who now are forced by law into having sex with their husbands, and I have to admit my first thought was:

Afghan men suck so much as lovers that they now have to make laws about having sex with their wives?  Look at other cultures with male machismo:  Spain, French, Mexican, and Italians–these cultures have a claim to fame of being good in bed.  In other words, Ladies, they will make it worth your while.

The orgasm discussion:  how does this compare with laws about rape, laws about husbands, the war in Afghanistan and my friends?  We all want to come, and we don’t want to be forced into it.  It’s not such a hard request.

Guys, if your balls were racked every time you had sex, or if you didn’t get to come and had to fake it, would sex be appealing?  For some women when it hurts to have sex or is not satisfying, they don’t want it.  Guys:  you want to get laid?  Make it good for her, show her an orgasm, and stick around while she soaks in the tub afterward.  If you want to get laid even more often, do the dishes so she isn’t worried about staying up to do the dishes, get her shower in and make sure you get something out of it.

My friends and I had some unwritten, but oft discussed orgasm rules:

  1. Tell me first how I am going to like this.
  2. Realize that I am taking a chance for you, with STD‘s, pregnancy, birth control, my body image, etc.  so you should realize that what I want in return is to have a mind-blowing time.
  3. We get grouchy if we don’t have an orgasm, and if you can’t help us out with that, we aren’t going to keep giving to you without getting anything back.
  4. We like multiple orgasms, but if  you want a quickie, we will settle for one.
  5. Women can be sexually assertive with what they want, and in fact our biology may push pretty hard for sex with other men, so make us happy.   We aren’t any different than you guys that way.

I remember my friend talking about how she was fighting with her husband, and things were pretty bad between them.  She was angry a lot, and he was horny, and they were both grouchy about it.  I remember her telling me over coffee the following story.  My partner calls it a “call to Jesus moment, that if you don’t get right, you will have more problems than you knew you had…”

Her: “So here we are on this supposed “vacation” and all we are doing is fighting, can’t stop fighting.  And then he suggests sex.  God, I was pissed: how can he think about himself at a time when we are having so many problems?  So, I was grouchy, but he kept asking.”

Me: “Is sex usually good?  Does it work out for you (code for:  do you get to come every time, or do you have to fake it?) when you guys are together?

Her:  “Usually it’s pretty good, but we were in the minivan, and it was cold outside, and I was mad at him, so I said:  Okay, but you better give me an orgasm!”   and she smiles.   “Can you believe that?  Nothing sexy about that.  But, it’s what I really wanted if we had to have sex in the minivan.”  For her, if it was kind of inconvenient, the least she wanted was to have some satisfaction from the encounter.

Me:  “Did it work out?  Did you get what you wanted?”

She gets quiet, introspective and looks into her coffee.  She smiles, shakes her head and clears her throat before looking up at me with a gentle look.

Her:  “Yes, oh yes, and it was good.”

And then we both laugh together.  Cause when it’s good, it’s really good, and we both know that’s enough.

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