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Grocery Store Creates “Man Aisle” = Dumbed Down

July 26, 2012

We all know men supposedly hate to shop, which is why it’s perfectly rational to create a dumbed down version of the grocery store to focus on just one aisle for men, as opposed to the entire rest of the store focused on women, as one retailer believes.  According to other men, this could be a growing trend, and all men supposedly need to survive is eclipsed by junk food and condoms, oh, and, well, water:

A grocery store on Manhattan’s Upper West Side has created what appears to be New York City’s first “man aisle.”

“Initially it was a joke,” George Zoitas, owner of the Westside Market on 110th Street and Broadway, told CBS radio. “We were tossing around an idea about maybe making a man section with everything a man would need, whatever men buy.”

Zoitas and Ian Joskowitz, the store’s chief operating officer, decided to put their man-fantasy to the test. The “Man Isle,” unveiled Wednesday, includes everything men need, from beer to barbecue sauce.

That would be beef jerky, condoms and razors, among other dude-specific sundries.

“Get ready to stock up your man cave!” the New York Post exclaimed.

The shelves are stocked with Doritos, Stubbs marinades, assorted salsas and Poland Spring–which is all men really need to survive.

“Guys don’t like taking lists when they go shopping,” Zoitas added. “This helps them remember what they need.”

Why razors are “dude specific,” I am not sure, because in the summer, women are expected to be smooth and shaved everywhere, from their heads to their feet.  We’re not supposed to sport any hair with our bikinis, rock hard abs, sporty breasts, and perky smiles, and we supposedly don’t eat barbecue sauce or beef jerky either.

I have to wonder if this isn’t a big slap in the face to men: “Hey, guys, you’re so dumb that managing an entire grocery store is too tough for your pea-sized brain, so we have created a single aisle for your paltry cognition.  Don’t worry your pretty little head about things like lettuce or flour, not to mention scary, gooey female items like terrifying tampons (which I am pretty sure no man has ever confused for anything other than tampons to begin with, much less any adolescent), body wash and all that clean and healthy stuff that only women like.  Why not indulge in your true talents like burping, farting, and expanding the breadth of your heart disease and impotence?  Big bad ole grocery stores should be left to the superior shopper of the species, the women.”
It’s such a shame too, what with all that history that men have going for them being the Neanderthal bringing home the biggest slab of animal flesh to feed little wifey at home with the kids.  How can men turn their backs on their provider natures? Perhaps they are not, these simple-minded beings, because a survey shows a full 51% of fathers are cognizant enough to do some grocery shopping. (Cue applause and sign reading “kudos for basic life skills” that men know how to wend their way through the curious maze of providing food for themselves and quite possibly their young in the cave den.)

And you should expect to see “man aisles” popping up in stores across the country. According to a 2011 survey of 1,000 fathers conducted by Yahoo and DB5, a market research firm, 51 percent said they were the primary grocery shoppers in their household.

And according to a 2011 Chicago Tribune report, Procter & Gamble Co. began testing “man aisles” in 2009 and had planned to test them in some Wal-Mart, Target and Walgreens stores this year.

“Many men were terribly uncomfortable with the shopping experience,” P&G spokesman Damon Jones told the paper. “Our intent in creating guy aisles was to give them an experience that was comfortable for them and made it easier to navigate the store.”

More rationale from the Tribune (emphasis ours):

In many stores, men’s personal-care products were scattered across different aisles, often in subprime locations like a bottom shelf or the end of an aisle, Jones said. Men had little patience searching for lotion and body wash, especially when weaving through contingents of women and teenage girls.

The man aisle puts all men’s products, including P&G competitors, in one place, with shelf displays and even small TV screens to guide men to the appropriate skin-care items. Jones said the tests have gone well, with men spending more time in the aisles and, ultimately, more money.

Oh, the terrors of the night revisited:  teenage girl body wash products on the shelves and body lotion for women. Run and hide, men, because the body wash is on the loose.  Seriously, are we talking men or soap-fearing zombies turned off by all the body wash we women are supposed to slather on the second we catch sight of a man lest he take issue with the fact that vaginas might not smell floral? Here I was believing we need body wash and vaginal wash all to get men to run to us, when in fact we could be using beef jerky as tampons and bathing in barbecue sauce all this time.

Men are supposedly so hopelessly stupid that they literally don’t know how to wash their own faces. Thank goodness there are small t.v. screens there to explain it to the mentally challenged of our species: all men according to the advertising execs of P&G who have launched a basic hygiene ad at men to acquaint them with the complexities of soap and skin care.  Welcome to our world, boys.  Hope you like it.  We will enjoy the whole store, but for now, guess the advertising execs want you in that little “man aisle.”  Forget exchanging phone numbers at the freezer section while you look for nips when we get cold.  When you can convince execs that you’re bright enough to move beyond the beef jerky aisle, give us a call.

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