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Man Falls Naked Down Stairs and Apologizes for Butthole Bit

June 8, 2013

I can’t stop laughing, either because of this man’s fearless use of butthole vernacular or  because he just seems to think that the butthole vernacular shouldn’t be an impediment to finding out about a woman he is apparently interested in and fell on top of naked when he stepped out of his apartment to get his paper.

There are beautiful phrases in this piece of work I found on Jezebel.com, phrases about  how she is to blame for his fall, because the mere sound of her door shutting transfers him into such a stupor that he cartwheels out his door naked and falls down the steps:

I just didn’t want to calculate the energy it would take to get sorta dressed just to get the stupid Trib. And so, with my eyes still blury from my deep sleep the night before, I spring out of my door to grab the paper. I had been planning to lean over and grab it and then run back inside. You know that thing where you lean over and one foot comes up while the other stays on the floor? Regardless of the dangers involved exposing your butthole this close to Boys Town especially if you work out as I do, it still seemed like a simple maneuver.

Sadly, I did not execute it that well. And though you are partly to blame, I am not mad at you…

Her shutting a door manifested in a desire for him to fly, or so it seems, and then the gem about his butt landing in her face:

I was so caught off guard I kept leaning forward as my brain struggled to make sense of the physical nature I was involved in. Meanwhile, my body essentially decided to do a cartwheel, then a somersault, then a backwards somersault, followed by an almost flawless swan pose for a second or two (I just went with it), whereupon I concluded the fall down the stairs completely naked with botched backflip, one that somehow left your face in the area I use to excrete the byproducts of metabolizing food.

I am with him in the not wanting to get dressed department, even feeling like I have fallen, and when falling, who doesn’t want to do a swan pose? Really? Unfortunately, the excreting part of the butthole comment…EEWWW

Of course, there are some redeeming qualities, in beginning his piece, the guy admits he wants to start a family with this woman, so maybe no shame in butthole excretions? This is how the pieces starts off:

I dont know why this would be necessary, but we live in building located by Addison/Lakeshore.

And I’ve seen you before and you have seen me. About a month ago we had a talk as we both got our mail about getting a dog and my thought was; Hey, become friends with this girl, then woo her into a relationship and start a family, etc.

His intentions are noble? I am not sure of the nobility of intentions that come with starting a family, because we all know that women do the majority of the laundry most family-starting endeavors, and a baby’s birth always results in a sore vagina, no matter how those dice are rolled, but Falling Guy seems sincere enough.

Strangely enough, a naked catapult down the stairs did nothing to inhibit his morning wood, perchance because of his intended destination, or maybe a result of the swan pose?

Struggling to get up, as you screamed, I hit my head on the bottom of a fire extinguisher metallic compartment, and honestly, the alone hurt like a mother. Bleeding at the crown of my eye, blood poured down to my forehead and face as my one foot caught in the railing as well as your Dolce Gabana Light Blue perfume made it extremely difficult to get off you. Not sure how, but somehow, someway, my morning wood was still prevalent and I know this is the wrong time to make note of it, but right then and there I chalked it up to a recent increase I’m Fiber.

Who wants to know where the I’m Fiber fits in with the butthole commentary but he does know her perfume… And then, my favorite part, wait for it…the building manager’s comment about Of Mice and Men.  I think reading this, my night is complete:

It doesn’t matter how this all ended. And any way, the detective seemed more suspicious of the fact I still read that the newspaper more so than my bad luck, but no charges were pressed. I heard you were taken to Rush Hospitals “Where PPO’s mean more” to be evaluated for some sort of shock or post traumatic stress which was ironic because in a way you were probably stressed out just from me falling on you naked! Right? Noting this weird occurrence to our building manager, he shook his head and asked if I had read Of Mice And Men. I said no to which he replied I should be treated like the idiot ae the end of the story. I am guessing this was the novel that was made into Forrest Gump? I dunno… Whatever. Look, I live right upstairs. Come over after work and let’s listen to some CCR and see where the Franzia takes us.

Your Neighbor,

Kevin

Dare I call for an encore, and would Falling Guy be so kind as to station a video camera in the stairwell?  I am hoping to meet him someday. Come fall down my stairs anytime, Kevin. No pants necessary. I won’t scream, I don’t think. Might laugh my ass off, but then again, I doubt this could be repeated. Sometimes good things only happen once…

 

 

 

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