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Sluts Make Better Friends and “Women Are Horndogs,Too”: Female Guilt Reforms A Slut

June 11, 2013

All you women out there deriding another woman’s sluttiness and vowing not to sit next to her in the lunchroom, a Jezebel columnist refutes your prudish ways and counters with a list of why sluts make better friends than apparently prudes? Sluttiness apparently described in a recent study as a woman willing to suck a dick (hey, I didn’t make it up),

 

Apparently, college-aged women prefer prudes as friends. Or rather, given the chance to evaluate two gals as suitable friends — a sexually permissive woman versus a non-sexually permissive one — they rate the girl least likely to suck a dick more positively. Even as they proclaim themselves liberal on the subject of having loads of lovers, casual or otherwise, themselves.

 

or sleep with multiple male partners, and therefore is not “friend” material:

 

The findings suggest that though cultural and societal attitudes about casual sex have loosened in recent decades, women still face a double standard that shames “slutty” women and celebrates “studly” men, said lead author Zhana Vrangalova, a Cornell graduate student in the field of human development. The study, titled “Birds of a Feather? Not When it Comes to Sexual Permissiveness” and published in the early online edition of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, reports that such social isolation may place promiscuous women at greater risk for poor psychological and physical health outcomes.

 

While the Jezebel article goes on to offer reasons why “sluts make better friends,” with listings like, “She’s more sympathetic,” and “she’s more fun,” it fails investigate in what circumstance women would even be talking about how frequently women suck dick. Because everyone knows that a movie night includes multiple discussions of the partners, threesomes, dick-sucking, anal sex-loving, objectives women chat about over tampons, boyfriends, and pillow fights in scantily clad underwear, right?  Hmm, did this “study” somehow morph into a porn when I wasn’t looking?  Sure sounds like it.  Maybe I missed something here, but in what circumstance do women discuss their multpile partners to such a degree that no one will be friends with them or go to the cafeteria with them in college?

 

I can’t really diss the article itself though, because the tongue-in-cheek banter about what “sluts” do is pretty well-done, if a bit campy:

 

She Talks About Real Shit

You can have frank conversations about sex, love, foibles, frustrations, with none of the giggly embarrassment. Realized you got your period during a hookup? No bigs. Found yourself drunk and giving a beej to your ex you still hate? She’s been there.

She’s More In Touch With Herself

As studies are finally figuring out, women are horndogs, too, and a woman who owns that early is a marvel. It takes a lot to accept yourself a sexual, autonomous being who can pursue sex boldly and not be treated like some aggressive mutant. Some women spend their whole lives figuring this out.

She’s More Open Minded

As a known sexual deviant, she’s more likely to understand the nature of human sexuality and accept all variations within as a normal, worthwhile part of the spectrum.

She’s Quick on Her Feet

The more sexually adventurous woman has to figure out how to drop a pin, call a cab, secret bail in the morning, find some Plan B, and locate all good side streets for the next-day walk of shame. Handy. Also, lust is a battlefield. Need to thwart some advances or block a cock? Call her in.

 

Aside from the fact that “real shit” is giving a drunk blow job to your ex that you met in the bar and accidentally hooked up with again when we all know how that will end, apparently sluts are the smartest women you will meet, according to this article.

 

Wondering about that “women are horndogs,too” bit?  I was, too. I went to that article, because, let’s just face it, I love women who admit to being “horndogs,” and found that “study” was driven by male sex researchers (cue the sigh about how men still are wanting to study female sex as a topic that is ferocious and women want to study female sex as “sluttiness”) who wanted to explore female desire:

 

Bergner, and the leading sex researchers he interviews, argue that women’s sexuality is not the rational, civilized and balancing force it’s so often made out to be — that it is base, animalistic and ravenous, everything we’ve told ourselves about male sexuality. As one researcher tells Bergner of all the restrictions put on female sexuality: “Those barriers are a testament to the power of the drive itself. It’s a pretty incredible testament. Because the drive must be so strong to override all of that.”

“Women’s desire — its inherent range and innate power — is an underestimated and constrained force, even in our times, when all can seem so sexually inundated, so far beyond restriction,” he writes. “Despite the notions our culture continues to imbue, this force is not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” In fact, he argues, “one of our most comforting assumptions, soothing perhaps above all to men but clung to by both sexes, that female eros is much better made for monogamy than the male libido, is scarcely more than a fairy tale.”

 

I admit, I get a little hot just reading about how female desire is huge in range and full of “innate power.”  Mmm, mmhmmm, uh, uh, uh, yeah!  What’s that guy’s name? “Underestimated and constrained force,” sounds like “Oh yes!  Yeah, give me more” (and repeat the mmm’s and uh, uh, uh, growl, yeah, bit).

 

Perhaps the originator of the study about sluttiness failed to couch the listed partners in the preferred female style of sex discussions: The Confessional.  In other words, most women don’t consider you slutty if you feel bad for that drunk blowjob or hook up with the ex you can’t get along with outside of bed.  Guilt about sex = acceptability for women in their discussions. Talk about how guilty women feel about having 20 male partners, and suddenly that slut is a reformed woman, a woman unlucky in love, as opposed to a horn dog. Feel bad about grabbing the neighbor’s ass when you got drunk, even if he has a girlfriend?  Tell your friends about it as if you are guilty, and you are not a slut, but a normal woman.

 

How is it that the real discussions of female sexuality still seem to be missing?  The book about female sexual desire, “What Do Women Want?” offers all kinds of allusions to the common cultural concept that no one, least of all men, know what women really want sexually.  Well, duh!  But why is it a surprise that women want sex in varied forms and with varied partners?  We have managed to populate the planet, and some would argue overpopulated it.  We have managed to have relationships despite the whole bit of men not understanding what women supposedly want in bed.  Are we all in unsatisfying relationships waiting for the “zipless fuck” that supposedly everyone has forgotten about? Erica Jong? Fear of Flying, anyone? A novel back in 1973 about sex for the sake of having sex? “Zipless fuck” referring to sex without a power play:

 

The zipless fuck is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game. The man is not “taking” and the woman is not “giving.” No one is attempting to cuckold a husband or humiliate a wife. No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is. And it is rarer than the unicorn. And I have never had one”–Erica Jong, Fear of Flying, 1973

 

Other commentary has Erica Jong describing a zipless fuck as zippers “falling away like petals” because “when you came together, zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear blew off in one breath like dandelion fluff. For the true ultimate zipless A-1 fuck, it was necessary that you never got to know the man very well.” Hmm, doesn’t sound all bad.

 

Is this slut behavior or women just not wanting to deal with emotional load that sex can bring, having sex can bring, or even that men can bring, not to mention a woman’s own illusions about sex? Sometimes doesn’t sex without discussion sound really good?  In a relationship, sex is always an expression on one level or another of the relationship, but sex with a stranger may just be the expression of desire, and desire is something that we humans find fascinating, as evidenced by billboards, sales gimmicks, commercials, Times Square and all the messages about desire.  Our culture reflects our curiosity, one might even say, addiction to  the concept of desire, without any of that relationship garbage. Relationships are for sitcoms, desire, and the following guilt, are for real adults, everyday life, and apparently not in the realm of friendship.

Even the zipless fuck conforms to this guilt mantra, making Fear of Flying a novel, not a discussion of porn here in America, and we like to keep those separate: guilty sex = novel and not-guilty sex = pornography.

It wasn’t until I was settled, facing a nice little family group–mother, daddy, baby–that it dawned on me how funny that episode had been. My zipless fuck! My stranger on a train! Here I’d been offered my very own fantasy. The fantasy that had riveted me to the vibrating seat of the train for three years in Heidelberg and instead of turning me on, it had revolted me!

Of course, the only zipless fuck that Erica Jong can come it with sounds surprising like a rape scene, and it doesn’t sound like a woman was offered sex in the novel, but rather pushed into, which is a far cry from one of the Craigslist ads I blogged about wherein a woman described sex in a bathroom at a concert as “I let you raw dog it,” but then that woman, whom I have always admired, had a mohawk and was posting her pregnancy news to the anonymous father in a rather socially unconventional means.

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets. Knee high black biker boots.

You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway, I’m pregnant. It’s yours. Contact me if you want to be a part of your child’s life.

Seriously, I hope it’s not a fake, because it’s the best thing ever, fact is better than fiction.  Oh, and this woman, I think I would really want to be friends with. Wait a fucking minute!!! According to a preachy mommy-to-be website, this post was the result of a sleep-deprived bored post from a Kansas woman!  WHAT??? Say it isn’t so!!  Crying, wailing, moaning, on my part here.

Crash (haaaaaa) told Fuse that she misrepresented a few things in the ad. For one thing, she’s 23, not 28. Also, she lives in Kansas, not Chicago. She’s never actually been to a Megadeth or Motorhead show, and finally, she’s not pregnant. In fact, the whole thing was actually an inside joke between her and a friend:

“It started from not sleeping very much and starting a new medication that kept me awake. I was just so bored being awake all day and all night, and I was surfing the Internet non-stop. I read some Craigslist Missed Connections posts and I found them funny, so I decided to put one up to, ummm… make this boy laugh.”(purported mommy-to-be with the blue mohawk)

Commentary from the mommy website:

“OMG. It’s like one of those Ambien excuses, but in reverse. The medication made me do it! I was so alert and non-drowsy, I couldn’t help myself!

As for why she specifically targeted a Megadeth/Motorhead show, Crash said she was “pretty sure there were people banging at that concert”—and based on some of the worried email responses she’s received, she must have been right”

My favorite fantasy has been upended by this woman: “Linda Sharps lives in Eugene, Oregon with her family, where she works from home while wrangling two rambunctious boys. She always has a caffeinated beverage in hand and a LEGO embedded in her foot.” Oh, Linda Sharps, why did you have to investigate??? You and your damn LEGO foot! Strangely enough, the posts by men on this commentary were pretty, well, sweet.  They copied this post on their various websites, helping to put the word out and try to track down the baby daddy.

http://chicagoist.com/2012/04/12/woman_posts_craigslist_ad_seeking_m.php

http://www.uproxx.com/music/2012/04/woman-seeking-man-who-knocked-her-up-in-the-bathroom-at-megadethmotorhead-show-on-craigslist/ :”

I’d like to ask you a few questions, UPROXX readers.

1. Did you recently attend a Megadeth/Motorhead show in Chicago?

2. While there did you, by chance, happen to make the acquaintance of a lady with “blue hair” wearing a “silver tube top, fishnets” and “knee high black biker boots?”

3. Did you happen to “raw dog” with this nice lady in the bathroom during the show?

If the answer to all of these questions is “yes,” then you’ve got a baby on the way, my friend. Congrats!”
Read more: http://www.uproxx.com/music/2012/04/woman-seeking-man-who-knocked-her-up-in-the-bathroom-at-megadethmotorhead-show-on-craigslist/#ixzz2Vur5zFVf

http://www.boweryboogie.com/2012/04/motorhead-metalheads-raw-dog-in-the-bathroom-leaves-one-fan-pregnant/

http://www.metalinjection.net/latest-news/eww/chick-gets-knocked-up-at-megadeth-motorhead-show-looks-for-baby-daddy-on-craigslist :”I bet she’s sweating bullets now. If you or anyone you know match up to description, email c9kpp-2948959310@pers.craigslist.org

So maybe the happy ending to all of this is not the woman’s posting, but the men’s response.  Notice the lack of the use of the term “slut” in their vocabulary. Notice how these men have re-posted this ad multiple times, notice how there is no guilt by association here for the man.  Notice the lack of judgment over either party.  I am heartened.  Maybe men do have some idea of what women want, and maybe women do just create the slut label in a study to see if it endangers friendship, because while the ad is fake, the response was not.

As far as fiction goes, I will take the Craigslist ad any day over Fear of Flying, and for that matter, any contrived circumstances in a “scientific” study about when researchers ask women if they would be friends with another woman if she has slept with 20 men.  Here’s to all the men and women who raw dog it everyday and don’t live in judgment, because they might just make the best friends, but as far as scientific studies go, perhaps sluttiness studies still haven’t come out of the dark ages.

 

 

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