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“I F**cked A Republican On Thanksgiving” And Other Holiday Stories

December 4, 2015

Disclaimer: I don’t have another holiday story to top fucking a Republican on Thanksgiving. I am just intrigued by one woman’s recollections of Thanksgiving as the time she fucked her devil incarnate, a Republican, and then married a Democrat, calling the Republican-fucking moment one of “self pity.” Supplanting holiday stories of what one does to marinate a turkey, this is a breath of fresh air.

I suppose the piece is written by a woman who is old enough to determine that all of her past sexual relationships didn’t amount to much, but still young enough to present them as sorry excuses for nothing now that she is married to someone else. Most women reach a certain age and marital status and don’t talk about past fucks in terms of being with the person but of the experience, a time when working out a mortgage payment, a decidedly unromantic negotiation, was never expected to couple with the experimental sex drive of youth. Still, it’s a refreshing change for a holiday story, and I am all about women writing honestly about their experiences, sexual or otherwise.

While the writer doesn’t fully own her sexuality in these experiences, talking someone into a threesome with hashish,” being ambiguous to say the least,

…I slept with and pretended to admire, men who might have been selfish douchebags or insensitive pricks, but who were at least progressive, enlightened, academy-educated insensitive pricks. They didn’t think twice about asking to come on my face but would call me a reactionary if I put on mascara. An English doctoral candidate whose dissertation was about Virginia Woolf and early postcolonial theory, a man who called himself a feminist whenever he got the chance, confided to me that he received blow jobs from about 80 different women per calendar year. His true passion, though, was to fuck redheads in the ass. The sociologist who talked me into a threesome with his best friend used an argument that included lots of hash and a discussion of communitarianism.

the author does have to write now with a husband in mind, a husband who wasn’t included in past sexual experiences. I am not sure why it’s mutually exclusive territory to “fuck redheads in the ass” and also be a feminist, except that said self-proclaimed feminist may have just used feminism as an excuse to use women, a common enough tale that it could be included in the Cinderella dialogues.

I gotta give props, though, to a woman who reminisces not about Thanksgiving but to exorcising Republican demons, even if they are a bad lay and come way too soon. I hope that this woman keeps writing until she gets old enough to tell us what she liked about the sex, not the men, and perhaps it will come out as Thanksgiving tales for years to come.


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