I love grocery shopping when I ovulate
I wanted to write something snarky about Inside Higher Ed this morning, or even attack the bigotry in an article I found on Edweek, but I found myself barely awake and calling the local convenience store for creamer for my coffee. Why did this simple act derail me? The young guy started flirting over the phone. My partner says I always have these scenarios when I am ovulating, or in the week preceding. In fact, it’s become a joke with us that if I want something, men seem particularly helpful the week AFTER my period. My partner says that what just happened is the equivalent of phone sex for someone working at a convenience store, but in a good way. Although I find phone sex rather frustrating myself, zipless phone fucks seem rather exciting. If I am talking about to my partner, I am just frustrated that he is not here, and I want something quite specific. With a stranger, it turns out to be a totally different story.
So, here’s the thing, whether I am grocery shopping over the phone or in person, doing it on ovulation is so much better. Men are more solicitous. I have even knocked over displays (on accident and was hoping no one was watching) and had help from 3 different men who were eager to rush over with the mop. I was embarrassed, they seemed entranced, and I walked out of the store smiling. What happened, I wondered, just as I did this morning, and then I remembered: ah yes, the beauty of the world that is ovulation, with no birth control.
If you don’t believe me, I would tell you to try it, but I am thinking I don’t want to be responsible for other people’s birth control. However, the world is much friendlier place when you are fertile.
Umm, I am smiling just thinking about my last trip to Menards, where I swear the employees usually hide, until I am fertile. I get help in every aisle of the store. I have attentive employees just waiting until I can’t reach the right grout color above my head.
And so, as I contemplate unintentional phone sex with a convenience store worker:
Me: Hi, I’m hoping you can help me, do you have any coffee creamer?
Him: Yes, we have a couple of different kinds, what are you looking for?
Me: I just need something for my coffee.
Him: Well, we have half and half; would that work? We have the powdered stuff, if that’s what you’re looking for. What do you need?
Me: The half and half. thank God, you are a lifesaver. (I am totally thinking caffeine fix but realizing this is a rather long conversation about creamer.)
Him: I know. I do it all the time.
I won’t tell you how wee ended it, because I was laughing and realizing I had no clue how to end it. I did it poorly. I promise to do better next time. In the meantime, I might just head to the grocery store.
Let me know if anyone else has the same experience.
Nice morning for me here…